August 10, 2021
The memories sometimes are hard to find
Hidden away – out of sight, out of mind.
The pain of you no longer in my life
Cuts through me like butter’s done by knife.
Still sometimes I see you here and there
So I steel myself and whisper falsely, I don’t care.
I see you and see how much you’ve changed
Close but distant – so strange, so strange.
And those lost memories come flooding through
Like moving pictures of innocent times with you
That plays and lifts my spirits and I find myself relaxed.
But there’ll be a glance, a word and I’ve slipped, I’ve relapsed.
My hurt and heartbreak you could never know
Carefully hidden, I put on a brave show.
Staged looks and rehearsed moves – all a façade
I’m crumbling inside – slowly falling apart.
Each time I see you – the next few days
I’m sliding down to darkness – such a lonely place.
I’ve stopped asking questions, I’ve stopped asking why
No one has an answer – no one wants to pry.
Over and over and over with thoughts I turn
Never find an answer – you’d think I’d learn
Days in and days out of repeated self-flagellation
Never a change, no hope no change in expectation.
Looking forward or looking back
It’s the same, long, lonely, worn out track.
You’d probably think there’s a ray of light
That shines through my darkest of nights
But there isn’t – how can there be,
It’s a daughter I’ve lost – a piece of me.
A piece of my heart, forever broken
Too many words, too few, oft said or unspoken,
I’m tired of hearing – “move on, get over this,
Don’t wallow in the depths of your abyss”.
This is my grief! My pain! And I count the cost!
This is my reality, this is my daughter lost!
(written: April 17 2020)
The title of this poem gives it away as to whom and why I wrote this. All I can say is, it is an endless heartache which I do my best to hide.
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